What does happiness look like?

July 6th, 2009

I often find myself wondering what happiness looks like, I haven’t seen it in a long time if ever so I am not sure what it looks like anymore.

This is the way I feel right now, I am so depressed, the depression feels like a heavy weight sitting on my chest, suffocating me.  The pain is just so deep right now, I feel as though I will never be happy again and I also feel like curling up in a ball and surendering to depression, just let it win it’s so hard to fight.  I am not talking about suicide, I am just talking about letting depression do what it does best.

I see a therapist and I will talk about this with her, I am on meds and my psychiatrist just upped some of my doses due to this depression two weeks ago but they just don’t seem to make a difference, I understand it takes time for the meds to work but what do I do in the meantime.  Of course that is assuming that they do work, I have been through more than a few rounds of this med changing and nothing seems to work, it seems like the depression does what it wants when it wants. I’d quit taking the meds but I need to be able to function for my kids and I can’t imagine how much worse I would be without them, as it is now I barely have enough energy to take a shower, all I want to do is lay in bed but when I am in bed all I want to do is cry.  This is effecting every aspect of my life, I guess that is how major depression works it just sucks the life out of you.

For now I will quit complaining.

The story of me running away from home.

January 23rd, 2009

This is a story that takes place 12 yrs ago, the situation came up in a conversation recently and they said they wanted to hear the whole story so I thought it would be a good time to share it.

It all started one day when I was 17 years old and I was skipping school to hangout with my boyfriend I had at the time, he was the first serious boyfriend I had, at the time he seemed like the one.  So anyway things were not good at home my mom was scheduling college people to come to my house even when I told her I didn’t want to attend whatever school it was and really I just had a not so good relationship with my mother.(The mother thing is a whole other blog, I am here to tell this story)  Anyway my boyfriend, one of my friends(male) and I were at a mall in another town just basically being mall rats, hanging out doing nothing when the boyfriend said that he missed his dad who lives in Louisianna and how he was considering going there for a month and he may even stay forever.  Now to me this was devistating news we had been together a year and a half so I started to consider going with him but I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do.   So after I battled with it for  awhile I decided that I couldn’t choose so I let a magic eight ball decide for me and it said to go.(I know stupid decision, never listen to a magic eightball)

So after that I went home, my mom was at work and I packed my bags and left a note on my pillow saying that I was going camping for the weekend.  I had no money so I went to kmart and even though I was supposed to be working 15 minutes later and picked up my check and walked right back out, cashed my check and was on my way.  By the way I was driving a 1986 buick skylark that had been crashed into a building a few months prior during a water balloon fight so my front end of the car was held together with duct tape and due to a battery drain everytime I got out of the car I had to lift the hood and turn off a switch that was rigged on my battery cable.  Yeah this car was a piece of crap but I expected it to make it from Indiana to Louisianna, which it did but just barely.

The journey was a fun one my boyfriend had a cat that he insisted on taking with him but halfway through the trip the cat was freaking out so we pulled over and let it go in a nice neighborhood, the next town we went through we wanted to get out and walk a bit so we went to walmart where I bought a dog for $5.00 in the parking lot at a very young age the dog already weighed 25 lbs, this was going to be a huge dog.

We only stopped one time for the night, the rest of the two day trip was spent driving, I realize that it could have been done quicker but I was in no particular hurry so we made a lot of pit stops along the way.  As it turns out you should not trust a piece of crap car to travel so many miles because just as I crossed over into louisianna my car died which at the time seemed okay because it wasn’t far from where my boyfriends dad worked at a bar so we got a ride to there where we were informed that the cops were on the way.  So I went outside and sat waiting to be picked up it was an end to a good trip but is the beginning of another neat story of my detainment at the police station.

So I was terrified, I had never been in trouble before and now I was at a police station being questioned by the police which was more about if they were going to be charging my boyfriend and my friend with anything since they were over eighteen and left the state with a minor, turn out since I was driving they weren’t charged which is good.  During this questioning I was informed that it was good that I was very lucky to have made it across the state line because in Mississippi they charge runaways, like I said the car died just as I crossed the state line.  So the end result was they released my boyfriend and friend who had a lovely time that evening drinking and playing pool while I was detained in a court room with a constant guard at the door who was very nice to me.  I didn’t sleep much that night instead I wondered around the courtroom being noisy and reading some of the judges notes, I contemplated trying to escape which my thoughts must have been very obvious because my guard informed me there was no way out.  I begged and pleaded for them to not send me back to my emotionally abusive mother but I was informed that unless it was physical abuse I had to go home.

In the morning they brought me my breakfast which was grits, it came with little packets that I assumed was sugar turned out though it was salt so even though I already thought grits was gross it turns out they can get worse with salt, yucky!

Shortly after that my mom and step dad came to pick us up which to say the least wasn’t pleasant, they gave my car and my dog to my boyfriends dad and I had to suffer a very quiet ride home knowing the storm would start as soon as I got home, which it did.  I wasn’t grounded or anything but I was emotionally terrorized by my mother for weeks and I didn’t get another car for two months and only then because I had to drive my moms car all the time, I lost my job at kmart but shortly after I got a new job at walmart and eventually my boyfriend and I broke up and he moved away.  I ended up graduating high school and shortly there after I met my husband and started having babies, so in the end everything was okay but I dont recommend running away to anyone, it doesn’t always turn out okay, it can be very dangerous.

A poem I wrote 8 yrs ago

January 22nd, 2009

This is a poem that I wrote 1-23-01, the poem at the time was for my dad who had passed away the prior April, this is one way that I was dealing with my grief, so anyway here it is, enjoy.

I  miss your smile,

I miss your smile,

haven’t  seen it for a while.

Remembering the talks we had,

you wouldn’t want be to be sad.

The wisdom that you shared with me,

then wisdom I could not see.

Now these things I know to be true,

I am who I am because of you.

A love not always expressed,

for having it I was blessed.

We used to laugh and have fun,

now that is all done.

Left with memories of days gone by,

and asking myself why.

I love you and always will,

as if you were here still.

I miss you deep within,

and stop to visit every now and then.

Can’t help but wear a frown,

as I lay the flowers down.

I miss your smile,

haven’t seen it for awhile.

What I want for christmas.

December 19th, 2008

Everybody has been asking me what I would like for Christmas, of course I answer with my customary shrug, it is my well thought out plan to get money, with five kids I don’t spend much on myself through the year.  However as an adult I have never really expressed what I really want for Christmas, the reaction from my family would just be uncomfortable I am sure.

For all I want for Christmas is snow but not just a dusting, I want around 10 feet of snow, you know the kind that forces you to stay home.  With all the hustle and bustle that comes along with the holidays for me, my one wish is to have a quiet Christmas with just my hubby and kids at home.  To just decide to stay home would bring with it guilt trips from family members about how I am ruining their Christmas, and how I should just go to their house even if I cancel any other plans.  However if it snows they would be concerned for my safety and they wouldn’t want me to get out in it, so I would get my quiet holiday without all the guilt.

Don’t get me wrong okay I would feel a little guilty but only because my grandma lives alone, of course I am the type that blames myself for a  lot so most likely I would feel a lot guilty since it is my wish to be snowed in, I would probably find a way to make myself feel like it was all my fault so maybe a happy Christmas is just a hoop dream.  The dream also doesn’t take into account that I live down the driveway from my in-laws, who own a lot of heavy equipment so I am sure they would dig us out just in time for dinner.

Okay as for the moral of the story, first don’t use guilt trips on your kids, they will turn out like me and blame themselves for everything and feel guilty for having dreams that don’t align with yours, which isn’t fair. My second lessen may not apply to all but it effects me.  Living close to your family will probably obligate you to go to family events no matter what, so if you have a strong sense of obligation then don’t live near them. I have a strong sense of obligation so I do as others wish to make them happy, then I spend a lot of time resenting that obligation and blaming myself for the whole situation.

To anyone that suffered through reading this, I am sorry I just sort of rambled.  Merry Christmas all!!!!!!!!!!!

The interesting changes in life

November 2nd, 2008

First of all let me start out by saying I am having one of those years, seems like everything is going wrong.  Recently I lost a puppy to parvo, I have another being treated at the animal hospital, I really hope that he is okay because he is my baby.

Now to the changes subject…… Last night I went camping just my husband and me, we went to our favorite campsite and had a babysitter for all the kids so it was an enjoyable night.  Hubby got to fish and I got to do whatever I wanted which turned out to be hiding in my tent taking advantage of the campgrounds free wifi.  As I looked around at all the gadgets that I had packed and thought of how my standards for camping have changed it was completely amazing to me.

When I was a teenager all I needed was poptarts, a bottle of water, matches, and a camp axe and I could last days out in the middle of the woods with no problem, I considered a tent handy but I could make my own shelter and be okay.  In my early twenties I decided I really needed a tent, bathroom, and firewood, along with food and drinks but I still considered this roughing it because I didn’t use any electricity and slept on the hard ground.  I used to make fun of people in campers saying why didn’t they just stay home, they brought all the comforts of home tv, computer, and all other kinds of gadgets that I considered useless to the camping theory.  Of course a few years ago, I added electricity to a necessity because I need somewhere to plug my coffee maker into.

This year I have discovered that now I want a heater, wifi, nice bathrooms close to my site, a golf cart to manuver around the campground.  I also find myself wanting a pull behind camper and absolutely hate my tent.  The last three camping trips I didn’t even start a camp fire, how sad is that.  At the age of 29 my definition of camping has changed so much that it makes me wonder what is to come.  At forty will I consider sitting on my back porch camping?  Sure I know that some of these changes had to happen, I have a bad back and really shouldn’t be sleeping on the hard floor so I really needed an air matress.

With the inventions of laptops and wifi and cellphones I think that I have really lost site of the camping theory that I once cherished, to be one with nature and enjoy all the wonders the world has to offer.  Now it’s more about the gadgets, eventhough to be in nature is more relaxing to me basically I am still doing the same things that I can do at home just outside or in a tent.

All these changes I realize are a part of life but it really seems like I am making the wrong changes, maybe I need to slow back down and take some time to enjoy all the pleasures of nature and leave the other stuff at home.

No group this week.

June 16th, 2008

Monday is usually my day to go to group therapy, it’s a small group, at the most there are two other members and most of the time there is only one other member.  Every so often the group has to be canceled because I am going to be the only person there, this just happened to be one of those weeks.  I really like group, I find it helpful, my goal is to lessen my anxiety around other people.

Having this week off is bringing up some interesting questions for me, mostly because I am spending way to much time in my own head today.  What my main question to myself is can I really reach my goals in such a small group?  This has never come up for me, I have progressed so much up to this point it just was never an issue and I am not sure that it is an issue now.  I guess what I am afraid of is that I am becoming to comfortable to really overcome anything.  Don’t get me wrong I am not ready to leave my group just yet and it actually bothers me to think about losing this group.

I am afraid to bring this up with my therapist tomorrow because I am afraid that she will agree that I have outgrown this group and that it is time to move on, that is not what I want at all.  Time will tell if I try to discuss this or not, I guess that it will depend on if it is weighing on my mind or not

The other thing on my mind  is that I think unrelated to group but could in theory be brought on by a change in my schedule is that I think that I am going into a depressive time.  The last month has been a high anxiety phase, which my anxiety is still rather high and is making me rather uncomfortable but at the moment depression is really getting to me.   I feel like crying for absolutely no reason at all, I really don’t know why but I am  so very sad.  It’s really odd because I wasn’t that depressed yesterday which was of course father’s day, of course I could have been fighting the depression off with keeping myself busy.

The reason that father’s day is such an issue for me is that this is the first year without my stepdad, who I was very close to and father’s day this year just happened to fall on the anniversary of my dad dying nine years ago.  On top of these things a covered bridge that I used to spend a lot of time at was completely destroyed by a tornado, my dad used to take us to see this bridge a lot when I was younger.  Later as a teenager I spent a lot of time wading under this bridge with my friends, I just loved the sound of the boards when a car went over it and I was standing under it, it was like every board was cracking.  Five days after my father passed away, father’s day that year I spent part of the day at that bridge, soaking up the healing powers of mother nature after the stressful time of the funeral and all that other stuff.

That’s really all I have to say at this time, I am really bad spacing out. I am sorry that I just rambled on and if it don’t make since it’s because I was starting to space out towards the end.  Thank you for reading this, I felt fine all day and I really didn’t see this coming tonight. -gimmeice

Rope swing story

May 27th, 2008

As a teenager I loved to go wading in various waterways in my area, one of these waterways had a rope swing.  This was simply a thick rope tied to a tree limb, that somebody had put up.  For a long time I stared at that rope, it always made me a bit nervous but at the same time I wanted so badly to swing on it, it sounded like a lot of fun.  One night I finally got up the nerve, this was about 11 years ago so now I have written two poems about the night I swung on the swing.  Usually I only write one poem about an event but for some reason this time I wrote two so here they are.

Rope swing # 1

A rope hangs from a tree,
It swings out over the creek.
It looks like fun to my friends and me,
So late at night we sneak.

Looking at the swing face to face,
It starts to seem kinda scary,
My heart is starting to race,
This could get hairy.

I hold my breath and grab the rope,
Back up and start to swing.
Now I release and hope,
What will this act bring?

I hit the surface hard,
The water feels so warm.
Must climb back to the yard,
Among my friends this is the norm.

Overall I had fun,
Even if I got really wet.
I’m really glad it’s done,
Wouldn’t do it again on a bet.

Rope swing # 2

The warm water engulfs my toes,
It’s really hot in my clothes.
To cool off I’ll get wet,
I’m gonna do it my mind is set.

Lets go to the swing,
I tell the friends I will bring.
When we get there it is dark,
Try to be quiet this is a park.

There it hangs in all its glory,
Now I’m scared, my life story.
My fear makes me shake,
Bravery I’ll have to fake.

I grab the rope and move back,
If I don’t the teasing won’t slack.
A jump and I’m swinging out,
To scared to even shout.

I’d make it stop if I could,
I land in water that feels good.
The fear had already sank,
By the time I climbed up the bank.

Doing this again is not my plan,
At least now I know I can.
I don’t really think that they are all that good but I wanted to share them regardless just because I found it interesting that I wrote two poems about the same thing, on the same night.  If you have an feedback on these poems feel free to leave a comment.

Thank you for reading my blog.

Tired

May 23rd, 2008

   Extra stress is something I just can’t handle, not on top of my mental illness.  I am on a journey to good mental health and recently I have been making great progress but all that progress and more has been taken back in the last week.  My family is driving me crazy, it’s not all their fault but still they are expecting to much from me and I just can’t measure up to their expectations.

A week ago today my sister’s children were taken by cps, I believe wrongly taken.  It’s a really long story and I’m not sure that I could even tell it very well so I’ll skip it, just know it wasn’t because these children were being abused.   Since this has happened my whole family has been understandable really stressed out and upset.  The children have been placed with my mother which short term is a really good placement for them, I do believe long term it could be bad but I really don’t think that it will come to that.

I actually had to be in the room when they told my sister and her husband that they were taking the kids, it was a very stressful moment for me.  I am the type of person that takes on others emotions and can almost feel their pain, I don’t know if I am explaining that well, I am very sensitive to emotional situations.  Everybody was upset and I was so overwhelmed by it all that I just about collapsed during a really bad panic attack.

Ever since the new living situation, life has been very hectic, I can’t imagine what it would be like if I still lived with my mother, my little brother must be going through a lot right now.  My mom and my sister every few days are arguing which means I get several phone calls a day from one or the other telling me how the other one is so wrong.  My mother will actually try to get me into the middle of it, asking me to tell my sister this or tell her that, and I know if I said either my sister would flip her lid.

During past situations of conflict I have tried to explain to my mother that I just can’t handle stress, not on top of the problems I already have not to mention I have a family of my own, a wonderful husband and five young children, I just don’t need this.   Well this time when she tried to pull me in the middle of their argument she started the conversation by saying “I know you are stressed out but so I am and I need you to do this for me”, she wanted me to have a conversation with my sister that totally would have set her off.

I think what bothers me most is that she thinks that my only problem is stress.  I have been diagnosed with OCD, major depression, severe anxiety disorder with agoraphobia, and PTSD, to me it’s more then a little stress that is bothering me.  I just don’t know how to react to this kind of treatment, I want to laugh and cry at the same time.

So I have been having a real hard time with this lately, I feel like my whole body is vibrating, it’s not been pleasant.  I found out this week that the reason my family is always trying to lean on me without realizing that they are about to knock me over is because when people see me they see somebody who has it all together, a calm, happy, and smart person that can solve their problems.  Why do I appear this way when how I feel is the complete opposite?

As a side effect to all the added stress my anxiety is completely out of control which leads to paranoia.  I was already was afraid of cps but now I am having a hard time sleeping because I am convinced that they are coming to take my children even though I have done nothing wrong.

That’s all I have to say for now, thank you for reading my blog.

Improvement

May 16th, 2008

Lately I have been feeling better emotionally. It seems that therapy is really helping me especially since my therapist has encouraged me to write. When I was a teenager the way I expressed some of the emotion I was feeling was writing poetry, it’s not that I was overly good at writing but it seemed to help. At some point instead of expressing emotion I started locking it away deep within myself, rarely allowing any of it to escape and when it did it was usually an explosion. When you feel emotion in an explosion it can be painful and overwhelming which of course makes you shut down even more or at least that was what happened in my case.

For a long time every time an emotion would start to show itself I would actually feel myself shove it away. Therapy has a way of bringing up emotions and of course I continued to shove back every time the emotion would try to pop up on me, it got to a place that my therapist could see this process by the way I was acting. Every time I would go through this my therapist would reassure me that it was okay and actually good for me to feel the emotion but I still didn’t want the pain.

Do I allow my emotions to run their course? No, not exactly. I am not sure that I will ever be at that place in my life, as the emotion that has always been present is fear. One of my biggest fears is to feel the emotional pain of my experiences, I’m not saying that I have had the toughest life in the world but it’s been hard on me and it has taken it’s toll on me. Being able to express my emotions in my poetry has allowed some of the pressure to release from all the bottled up stuff, it makes me feel at least a little better.

As for what comes next, I’m not quite sure. I don’t know if I will continue to be able to write but I hope I will because it’s been a very good experience for me.

Thank you for reading my blog.

My Trauma

May 6th, 2008

I don’t usually discuss my trauma but I am going to try to describe what happened to me to anybody who chooses to read this.  I think the reason that I am sharing this now is because the third anniversary of the event is a week from today.

When I got pregnant with my youngest child I knew that I would need a c-section because I had already had one.  Even though my first c-section went very well, I was so scared because I have had a lot of problems numbing in the past.  At one of my appointments I even made my doctor promise that he would make sure that I was completely numb before he started.

The day finally arrived and they started the numbing process, this was bad from the start  the doctor couldn’t get the needle in my back right for the spinal block.  I think it took like a half hour to even get the meds injected, I was shaking with fear the entire time.  In fact I’m shaking right now just thinking about it. Eventually they were satisfied with their work and we prepared for the surgery.  This includes the doctor testing to see if I was numb which I wasn’t, I don’t think he believed me at first because he tested me by making me move my leg, I guess you shouldn’t be able to do this with a spinal block.

After a few minutes of my doctor seeing that I wasn’t numb I could sense irritation in his voice and out of no where he tells the other doctor to put the mask on me.  The doctor told me to breath normally and I would go to sleep, next thing I know it was like I was awake in my sleeping body( I have no other way of explaining it).  I was aware but I couldn’t move, talk, see, or hear.  At this point the surgery started and I felt the incision being made. It’s hard to explain that kind of pain I am not sure that words would do it justice.  I will say that it was the worst pain that I have ever experienced, it burnt so bad, and it made me think I was dying.

The only explanation, that I was offered as to why I felt the c-section was that my nerve endings didn’t absorb the drugs.  This wasn’t explained by the doctor who performed the surgery just my family doctor and the anesthisioligst.  I haven’t seen the doctor who performed the surgery since the operating room and this is the guy that I seen throughout my entire pregnancy.

How has this effected my life?  Before the c-section I was depressed and had some anxiety issues that I was aware of but I had them under control.  I also had OCD but I was completely unaware but looking back I can see it now.  On top of all my mental issues getting much more noticeable I have also developed PTSD.  This trauma effects me physically, when I am having a hard time with it my scar reacts varying from a tingle to outright burning.  This has been difficult for me to write so I’m experiencing the burning right now.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, bye bye