Rope swing story

May 27th, 2008

As a teenager I loved to go wading in various waterways in my area, one of these waterways had a rope swing.  This was simply a thick rope tied to a tree limb, that somebody had put up.  For a long time I stared at that rope, it always made me a bit nervous but at the same time I wanted so badly to swing on it, it sounded like a lot of fun.  One night I finally got up the nerve, this was about 11 years ago so now I have written two poems about the night I swung on the swing.  Usually I only write one poem about an event but for some reason this time I wrote two so here they are.

Rope swing # 1

A rope hangs from a tree,
It swings out over the creek.
It looks like fun to my friends and me,
So late at night we sneak.

Looking at the swing face to face,
It starts to seem kinda scary,
My heart is starting to race,
This could get hairy.

I hold my breath and grab the rope,
Back up and start to swing.
Now I release and hope,
What will this act bring?

I hit the surface hard,
The water feels so warm.
Must climb back to the yard,
Among my friends this is the norm.

Overall I had fun,
Even if I got really wet.
I’m really glad it’s done,
Wouldn’t do it again on a bet.

Rope swing # 2

The warm water engulfs my toes,
It’s really hot in my clothes.
To cool off I’ll get wet,
I’m gonna do it my mind is set.

Lets go to the swing,
I tell the friends I will bring.
When we get there it is dark,
Try to be quiet this is a park.

There it hangs in all its glory,
Now I’m scared, my life story.
My fear makes me shake,
Bravery I’ll have to fake.

I grab the rope and move back,
If I don’t the teasing won’t slack.
A jump and I’m swinging out,
To scared to even shout.

I’d make it stop if I could,
I land in water that feels good.
The fear had already sank,
By the time I climbed up the bank.

Doing this again is not my plan,
At least now I know I can.
I don’t really think that they are all that good but I wanted to share them regardless just because I found it interesting that I wrote two poems about the same thing, on the same night.  If you have an feedback on these poems feel free to leave a comment.

Thank you for reading my blog.

Tired

May 23rd, 2008

   Extra stress is something I just can’t handle, not on top of my mental illness.  I am on a journey to good mental health and recently I have been making great progress but all that progress and more has been taken back in the last week.  My family is driving me crazy, it’s not all their fault but still they are expecting to much from me and I just can’t measure up to their expectations.

A week ago today my sister’s children were taken by cps, I believe wrongly taken.  It’s a really long story and I’m not sure that I could even tell it very well so I’ll skip it, just know it wasn’t because these children were being abused.   Since this has happened my whole family has been understandable really stressed out and upset.  The children have been placed with my mother which short term is a really good placement for them, I do believe long term it could be bad but I really don’t think that it will come to that.

I actually had to be in the room when they told my sister and her husband that they were taking the kids, it was a very stressful moment for me.  I am the type of person that takes on others emotions and can almost feel their pain, I don’t know if I am explaining that well, I am very sensitive to emotional situations.  Everybody was upset and I was so overwhelmed by it all that I just about collapsed during a really bad panic attack.

Ever since the new living situation, life has been very hectic, I can’t imagine what it would be like if I still lived with my mother, my little brother must be going through a lot right now.  My mom and my sister every few days are arguing which means I get several phone calls a day from one or the other telling me how the other one is so wrong.  My mother will actually try to get me into the middle of it, asking me to tell my sister this or tell her that, and I know if I said either my sister would flip her lid.

During past situations of conflict I have tried to explain to my mother that I just can’t handle stress, not on top of the problems I already have not to mention I have a family of my own, a wonderful husband and five young children, I just don’t need this.   Well this time when she tried to pull me in the middle of their argument she started the conversation by saying “I know you are stressed out but so I am and I need you to do this for me”, she wanted me to have a conversation with my sister that totally would have set her off.

I think what bothers me most is that she thinks that my only problem is stress.  I have been diagnosed with OCD, major depression, severe anxiety disorder with agoraphobia, and PTSD, to me it’s more then a little stress that is bothering me.  I just don’t know how to react to this kind of treatment, I want to laugh and cry at the same time.

So I have been having a real hard time with this lately, I feel like my whole body is vibrating, it’s not been pleasant.  I found out this week that the reason my family is always trying to lean on me without realizing that they are about to knock me over is because when people see me they see somebody who has it all together, a calm, happy, and smart person that can solve their problems.  Why do I appear this way when how I feel is the complete opposite?

As a side effect to all the added stress my anxiety is completely out of control which leads to paranoia.  I was already was afraid of cps but now I am having a hard time sleeping because I am convinced that they are coming to take my children even though I have done nothing wrong.

That’s all I have to say for now, thank you for reading my blog.

Improvement

May 16th, 2008

Lately I have been feeling better emotionally. It seems that therapy is really helping me especially since my therapist has encouraged me to write. When I was a teenager the way I expressed some of the emotion I was feeling was writing poetry, it’s not that I was overly good at writing but it seemed to help. At some point instead of expressing emotion I started locking it away deep within myself, rarely allowing any of it to escape and when it did it was usually an explosion. When you feel emotion in an explosion it can be painful and overwhelming which of course makes you shut down even more or at least that was what happened in my case.

For a long time every time an emotion would start to show itself I would actually feel myself shove it away. Therapy has a way of bringing up emotions and of course I continued to shove back every time the emotion would try to pop up on me, it got to a place that my therapist could see this process by the way I was acting. Every time I would go through this my therapist would reassure me that it was okay and actually good for me to feel the emotion but I still didn’t want the pain.

Do I allow my emotions to run their course? No, not exactly. I am not sure that I will ever be at that place in my life, as the emotion that has always been present is fear. One of my biggest fears is to feel the emotional pain of my experiences, I’m not saying that I have had the toughest life in the world but it’s been hard on me and it has taken it’s toll on me. Being able to express my emotions in my poetry has allowed some of the pressure to release from all the bottled up stuff, it makes me feel at least a little better.

As for what comes next, I’m not quite sure. I don’t know if I will continue to be able to write but I hope I will because it’s been a very good experience for me.

Thank you for reading my blog.

My Trauma

May 6th, 2008

I don’t usually discuss my trauma but I am going to try to describe what happened to me to anybody who chooses to read this.  I think the reason that I am sharing this now is because the third anniversary of the event is a week from today.

When I got pregnant with my youngest child I knew that I would need a c-section because I had already had one.  Even though my first c-section went very well, I was so scared because I have had a lot of problems numbing in the past.  At one of my appointments I even made my doctor promise that he would make sure that I was completely numb before he started.

The day finally arrived and they started the numbing process, this was bad from the start  the doctor couldn’t get the needle in my back right for the spinal block.  I think it took like a half hour to even get the meds injected, I was shaking with fear the entire time.  In fact I’m shaking right now just thinking about it. Eventually they were satisfied with their work and we prepared for the surgery.  This includes the doctor testing to see if I was numb which I wasn’t, I don’t think he believed me at first because he tested me by making me move my leg, I guess you shouldn’t be able to do this with a spinal block.

After a few minutes of my doctor seeing that I wasn’t numb I could sense irritation in his voice and out of no where he tells the other doctor to put the mask on me.  The doctor told me to breath normally and I would go to sleep, next thing I know it was like I was awake in my sleeping body( I have no other way of explaining it).  I was aware but I couldn’t move, talk, see, or hear.  At this point the surgery started and I felt the incision being made. It’s hard to explain that kind of pain I am not sure that words would do it justice.  I will say that it was the worst pain that I have ever experienced, it burnt so bad, and it made me think I was dying.

The only explanation, that I was offered as to why I felt the c-section was that my nerve endings didn’t absorb the drugs.  This wasn’t explained by the doctor who performed the surgery just my family doctor and the anesthisioligst.  I haven’t seen the doctor who performed the surgery since the operating room and this is the guy that I seen throughout my entire pregnancy.

How has this effected my life?  Before the c-section I was depressed and had some anxiety issues that I was aware of but I had them under control.  I also had OCD but I was completely unaware but looking back I can see it now.  On top of all my mental issues getting much more noticeable I have also developed PTSD.  This trauma effects me physically, when I am having a hard time with it my scar reacts varying from a tingle to outright burning.  This has been difficult for me to write so I’m experiencing the burning right now.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, bye bye