Tired

   Extra stress is something I just can’t handle, not on top of my mental illness.  I am on a journey to good mental health and recently I have been making great progress but all that progress and more has been taken back in the last week.  My family is driving me crazy, it’s not all their fault but still they are expecting to much from me and I just can’t measure up to their expectations.

A week ago today my sister’s children were taken by cps, I believe wrongly taken.  It’s a really long story and I’m not sure that I could even tell it very well so I’ll skip it, just know it wasn’t because these children were being abused.   Since this has happened my whole family has been understandable really stressed out and upset.  The children have been placed with my mother which short term is a really good placement for them, I do believe long term it could be bad but I really don’t think that it will come to that.

I actually had to be in the room when they told my sister and her husband that they were taking the kids, it was a very stressful moment for me.  I am the type of person that takes on others emotions and can almost feel their pain, I don’t know if I am explaining that well, I am very sensitive to emotional situations.  Everybody was upset and I was so overwhelmed by it all that I just about collapsed during a really bad panic attack.

Ever since the new living situation, life has been very hectic, I can’t imagine what it would be like if I still lived with my mother, my little brother must be going through a lot right now.  My mom and my sister every few days are arguing which means I get several phone calls a day from one or the other telling me how the other one is so wrong.  My mother will actually try to get me into the middle of it, asking me to tell my sister this or tell her that, and I know if I said either my sister would flip her lid.

During past situations of conflict I have tried to explain to my mother that I just can’t handle stress, not on top of the problems I already have not to mention I have a family of my own, a wonderful husband and five young children, I just don’t need this.   Well this time when she tried to pull me in the middle of their argument she started the conversation by saying “I know you are stressed out but so I am and I need you to do this for me”, she wanted me to have a conversation with my sister that totally would have set her off.

I think what bothers me most is that she thinks that my only problem is stress.  I have been diagnosed with OCD, major depression, severe anxiety disorder with agoraphobia, and PTSD, to me it’s more then a little stress that is bothering me.  I just don’t know how to react to this kind of treatment, I want to laugh and cry at the same time.

So I have been having a real hard time with this lately, I feel like my whole body is vibrating, it’s not been pleasant.  I found out this week that the reason my family is always trying to lean on me without realizing that they are about to knock me over is because when people see me they see somebody who has it all together, a calm, happy, and smart person that can solve their problems.  Why do I appear this way when how I feel is the complete opposite?

As a side effect to all the added stress my anxiety is completely out of control which leads to paranoia.  I was already was afraid of cps but now I am having a hard time sleeping because I am convinced that they are coming to take my children even though I have done nothing wrong.

That’s all I have to say for now, thank you for reading my blog.

One Response to “Tired”

  1. john4 Says:

    From john4:
    Gimmeice, read your blog in its entirety and am fascinated. Thank you for your message on saturday 24 may, I responded by e-mail, but it would not go to you for some reason. Please, please keep writing. Scares me that at one point you said you might not continue writing. Surely not??????
    please keep writing, please keep me as a friend you can contact if you would like to.
    I understand the issues you’ve mentioned.
    And me? I suffer agoraphobia, severe depression, paranoia, and a whole lot else since a sexual assault at work over 4 years ago. See my blog at:

    http://john4.psychcentral.net/wp

    Sending you a special warm and sincere hug. Keep contact, please.

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