What does happiness look like?

July 6th, 2009

I often find myself wondering what happiness looks like, I haven’t seen it in a long time if ever so I am not sure what it looks like anymore.

This is the way I feel right now, I am so depressed, the depression feels like a heavy weight sitting on my chest, suffocating me.  The pain is just so deep right now, I feel as though I will never be happy again and I also feel like curling up in a ball and surendering to depression, just let it win it’s so hard to fight.  I am not talking about suicide, I am just talking about letting depression do what it does best.

I see a therapist and I will talk about this with her, I am on meds and my psychiatrist just upped some of my doses due to this depression two weeks ago but they just don’t seem to make a difference, I understand it takes time for the meds to work but what do I do in the meantime.  Of course that is assuming that they do work, I have been through more than a few rounds of this med changing and nothing seems to work, it seems like the depression does what it wants when it wants. I’d quit taking the meds but I need to be able to function for my kids and I can’t imagine how much worse I would be without them, as it is now I barely have enough energy to take a shower, all I want to do is lay in bed but when I am in bed all I want to do is cry.  This is effecting every aspect of my life, I guess that is how major depression works it just sucks the life out of you.

For now I will quit complaining.